Today would have been the 82nd birthday of my husband Bruce and even after four years, I miss him still.
Following is a piece I wrote this week for my Creative Writing class and I want to share it with all of you:
A TIME WHEN I WAS LOST
Usually I am completely in control and feel I can handle anything. However, I recall being lost when I found myself completely in charge of everything in my life after the death of my beloved husband. I have always been so used to having Bruce worry about things like money, bills, decisions on what to buy (after discussing it with me), repairs and other matters. He was my rock. I didn’t even realize that he was my rock until he was gone.
I found myself looking at the bills that were due and trying to make sense out of them. I also found myself looking at a broken disposal and wondering if I should pay someone to fix it or get a new one. That kind of thing I usually left up to my husband. After sitting around in stunned silence for a while, I finally realized that I was not stupid and I had worked in an office for many years, handling a multitude of tasks year after year. I sat my butt down and really looked at the bills, set up a spread sheet on Exel, set myself a budget and felt a sense of relief when I was done. Good job Connie.
My next challenge was my disposal. Instead of spending money to have someone repair it, I took advantage of my son and sons in law. They were all handy and my son in law Adam came over, looked at it and pulled a piece of corn silk out of the blades. Lo and behold, it worked beautifully. I realized that I had a goldmine in these men. I also had never filled my car with gas on my own (yes, I know but I was only nineteen when I married and didn’t even learn how to drive until I was twenty-five). My daughter dutifully took me to a gas station, bullied me i n a nice way, into holding on to the gas nozzle and with absolutely no sympathy regarding my wining about the smell of gasoline, the heaviness of the nozzle, etc., made me fill the tank. She had no mercy but I knew she was doing it for my own good. My scariest job was to take the car in for an oil change. I didn’t know where to go (Toyota, stupid) and finally called, made an appointment and brought a book. Now I am an old pro at doing that.
Since then, I have bought a new air conditioner and even fixed some things on my own. I finally realized that I had been spoiled by Bruce and I let him do it. I liked having him to depend on as it saved me a heck of a lot of worrying. I hadn’t even driven for many years as he did all the driving. He was of the old school where the men drove and not the little lady. Luckily my kids told me to get back on the road driving when my husband became ill. So I pulled out my rosary beads and got in the car and with sweaty hands on the wheel, I drove and drove around the neighborhood. Now I am an old pro at driving and going where I want to go without having to depend on other people.
I am no longer spoiled but self sufficient and occasionally rely on the advice of my children and sons in law as to how to take care of things. My kids think I am a little addled some times but I just ignore it and pick and choose what advice I will take from them. I am doing ok!